last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
