if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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