you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
