i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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