I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
