What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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