there's paper in my vomit.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
