seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
