My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
