Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sext me about skeletons
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
