I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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