Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
