someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
