i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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