Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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