Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
