please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
