I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
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