I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
