Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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