My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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