GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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