What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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