I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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