what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize