i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
