dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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