I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
