My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
