im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
