I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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