I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
