He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize