Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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