The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
