If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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