Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
