Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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