last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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