and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
