i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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