I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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