I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
