I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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