yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
