Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
