shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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