my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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