rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
