She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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