I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize