But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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