I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize