the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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