I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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