I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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