happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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