it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
